Now I don’t know about you but I cant stand change. I’ve always hated it, be it changing schools, changing medications or moving house, I just like what I know.
That doesn’t mean I don’t adapt, I’ve experienced living at university which was a huge change, I then moved in with my boyfriend and we got a puppy – all really good and exciting changes but regardless they affect me. I think its my mental health and the fact I can struggle to process things sometimes, I’m getting better and often force myself into adapting but the struggle is always there.
So fast forward to this year. My relapse knocked me off my feet and once I started to recover I was introduced to ‘Time to Change’ a mental heath charity with the aim of ridding stigma attached to mental illness, they’re a social movement. During the time I was introduced to TTC I was undergoing my third cycle of high intensity CBT where my need to hide my illness was challenged. Here lies the biggest change of my life, for my whole life I’ve perfected the skill of hiding my illness, of being seemingly fine. But I was to stop pretending. I was going to change my perspective on my illness and talk openly about it.
Yes. I felt like Kevin off Home alone when he spotted the Tarantula on the stairs. Total fear. I was terrified of rejection mostly and of going against my natural instincts after all I’ve acted fine all my life and its served me well. I blogged and TTC shared it (amazeballs) and ever since I’ve blogged and shared videos on my experiences and views. I’ve travelled to London to meet some amazing people with similar experiences to myself and I even have my own website live which will be finished tomorrow. Amazing right?!
So why does it feel so lonely? Why cant I build up a following, how do i learn how to edit videos and why is it so disheartening yet so fulfilling?
I know I’m doing the right thing, I am so proud of myself and I know I’ve helped so any people which is the only important thing! I just cant help but feel slightly isolated and disheartened yet don’t know why?
I’ve anyone else experiences this please, let me know!! I’m sure I’m just ruminating and its down to my hatred of change so fellow bloggers please – share your thoughts with me