I didn’t really think it through when I decided to become a new blogger and set up a new website around the busiest time of year. After saying that I’ve set up a site ,I am holding down a full time job and here I am, trying my best to blog. Trying my best to talk openly. Yay.
Now there are plenty of things I’m no good at. I hate to admit it but blogging may be one of them, although it doesn’t mean I’m not giving it a good try. Another thing I’m no good at is being open about my struggles – yet here I am and that’s something to be proud of I suppose. I can discuss mental illness, depression and anxiety until the cows come home, I find it really easy, but to discuss the impact those things have on myself, to discuss my ‘ill’ self I find unbelievably difficult.
Let me just say that mental illness is a constant battle, and I don’t just mean the lethargy, the emotional distress or the feelings of isolation. For me personally, the biggest battle is with myself. Often when I’m struggling and really distressed I become this over enthusiastic comedian, I am the life and soul of every room and laugh at every opportunity. People have described me as one of ‘the happiest people’ they know and I just dance through the day without a care in the world, or so it seems.
I don’t know why but I cant help myself, I can feel so low, so scared yet my shell screams happiness and I know its wrong to pretend yet its how I cope. I can be seriously poorly, struggling with intrusive thoughts and low mood yet go into ‘auto pilot’, the carefree version of myself. Funny isn’t it how we all deal with things so differently, I’m proud I have admitted that as I find it difficult. So here I go about to admit something else. This last week I’ve had a blip and a scare of a possible relapse, I’ve struggled to cope and I am doing everything I can to keep myself well, time will tell if I manage that.
This just shows that anybody can be poorly and it may not be as evident as you think, those with mental illness aren’t always sat in a corner sobbing, in fact today I’ve been at work for 8 hours. Those with mental illness aren’t dangerous, in fact I’m that person that takes sugar water out to bee because I don’t want it to suffer and those with mental illness aren’t strange. They’re everyday loving people that need compassion and support.
I may be struggling right now, but I’m kicking my illnesses butt! I’ve admitted my blip, I’ve admitted my weaknesses and I’m trying to make things better. I’m not going to be a hypocrite and say we should rid stigma by being open about our mental health and then do the opposite I know some people don’t approve of my blogging, my campaigning or my new twitter chat but if it helps anybody that shares my experiences then surely its worth it. I know it’s okay to talk.